Crop report

A mysterious clean, clear liquid substance fell from the sky today. It looked faintly familiar, but we couldn't quite place it. It was white wine to our drought-ridden lawn and garden. Nothing is thriving in our drought-ridden lawn and garden except the pretty plant pictured above. That plant is known as the "Cherrybomb Tomato." What you do with it is, you wait till your cousin is in range, then you fire it hard as you can right at your cousin, especially if your cousin is wearing a white outfit. This works best if the pitch you employ is the fastball. Cherrybomb tomatoes ripen fastest at 98 miles per hour. There are alternative usages for the cherrybomb tomato, of course. For instance, we recall seeing Dad/Uncle Bill lob them at nasty grackles, mumbling, "Ka-pow! Right in the kisser!" hoping to drive them away from his precious Old Frontenac birdbath. This was a typical Uncle Bill thing to do. Every August he had to be taught anew that grackles adore cherrybomb tomatoes.